The Berkshire Eagle, Pittsfield, Massachusetts
Originally published in The Berkshire Eagle, Pittsfield, Massachusetts on Friday, November 18th, 1977.
From Frestonia to Plutonia
Transcript
From Frestonia to Plutonia
By Robert Yoakum
LAKEVILLE, Connecticut
THE Free Independent Republic of Frestonia has, according to Associated Press, applied to the United Nations for membership. The only trouble is that the 120 citizens of Frestonia live smack in the middle of London.
Freestone’s Foreign Minister, David Rappaport-Bramley, sent a declaration of independence to Prime Minister James Callaghan, Queen Elizabeth, and the Greater London Council. If the latter threatens aggression, he said (all Frestonia’s citizens are squatters in empty government-owned slum buildings), he would ask for a U.N. peacekeeping force.
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How would the new nation survive economically? The minister of tourism Jane Gough-Bramley (in support of their motto, Nos sumus omnes una familia, which translates as “We are all one family,” the Frestonians have added a local street name, Bramley, to their surnames), looks to visitors from abroad as a source of income. To enhance Frestonia’s appeal as a tourist attraction, Ms Gough-Bramley has had mountain scenery painted on a corrugated iron fence.
Frestonians working “abroad” in London would also bring in money. And local industries – lute-making, weaving, sign-painting, and pottery – are being developed. So that the country will have a duty-free market for its lutes, pots, and signs, Frestonia has applied for membership in the European Common Market.
If the Frestonia idea catches on, other inner-city nations may not be as friendly as lute-loving Frestonia. I can imagine the following kind of news story a few years hence…
“NEW YORK, Oct. 24 – Plutonia, a one-mile-square nation in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, was admitted as the United Nation’s 734rd [sic] member here today.
“Founded last month at a constitutional convention called by Mafia capos throughout the United States, the new country took a tough line in its first appearance before the U.N. General Assembly.
“‘We are all the time being harassed by the imperialist pigs,’ said Mario ‘Cement Mixer’ Leone-Flatbush, Plutonia’s foreign minister, in his maiden address.
“‘So when we, uh, liberated that batch of hydrogen bombs, we figured we oughta join the U.N. so we could stop the aggressions into our internal affairs.’
“Foreign Minister Leone-Flatbush said the U.N. should vote immediately to condemn these aggressors, ‘or else.’ He listed as aggressors the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Internal Revenue Service, certain state and municipal police, and Interpol.
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“When newly formed Plutonia announced its decision to join the U.N., the United States threatened to use its veto on the Security Council. American policy was hastily reversed, however, when the president of Plutonia, Don Vito ‘Fat Fingers’ Carbone-Flatbush, threatened to ‘take out’ the nation’s capital, as well as Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, and Plains.
“The Plutonian flag, which carries the motto Nos sumus omnes una familia, was raised on the U.N. plaza during a ceremony attended by several hundred people. Seven of the FBI’s ‘most wanted’ criminals were present, but could not be arrested. As Plutonian government officials they are protected by diplomatic immunity.
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“Questioned about the economic prospects of Plutonia, President Carbone-Flatbush said, ‘We expect to do pretty good by sticking to what we are already into, if you know what I mean.’
“The president predicted a rapid expansion of Plutonian business enterprises in other countries – especially protection services, casino management, life insurance, and trading in rare metals – and forecast a favourable trade balance of $50 billion in the first year, ‘or else.’”
